Fight the McMan

I had to fight to keep my car on the road when I saw the new McDonald’s billboard towering over Ballard. It touts the fast-food chain’s new line of espresso drinks as “Unsnobby Coffee.”

As I stared agape at this blasphemous spectacle, I realized that McDonald’s is actually attempting to get Seattleites excited about being “unsnobby.”

Bad tactic.

Seattle is one of the snobbiest cities in the country. We’re music snobs, art snobs, wine snobs, beer snobs, food snobs and, most definitely, coffee snobs.

We shun foods that aren’t organic, fair-trade and served in biodegradable packaging. And we’re darn proud of it, too. We display multifarious bumper stickers to prove our dislike for anything mass-produced.

McDonald’s is mass production at its most grotesque. The company exists not for the purpose of promoting health with good food but to grow exponentially larger and enslave the free world.

Its takeover will be accomplished by fostering heart disease, obesity and sluggish behavior in its zombie-like customers. This is best observed in the documentary Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock’s frightening look into McDonald’s caloric machinations. By eating Mickey D’s for a month straight, he actually gets addicted to the greasy food as it consumes his vitality. It’s like McDonald’s is selling edible manacles — and not the naughty kind.

Our city fights McDonald’s chains with remarkable vigor, although it’s often a losing battle. How can local consumers stand against fire-breathing corporations with armies of robotic, self-aware lawyers? Well, in the case of McDonald’s, we can simply not go there.

When corporations put out smarmy ad campaigns — as if corporations had senses of humor — we should respond by not buying their jokes or their products.

So what if we order coffee with mind-boggling Italian words like “venti” and “latte?” It’s boorish of them to assume that Seattleites want espresso sold alongside a googly-eyed clown.

Come on, Seattle. It’s time to protest. There’s a yellow-arched hydra rearing its ugly head in Seattle, threatening to water down the quality of our city’s espresso. What are you going to do about it?

I am honestly surprised that the noble denizens of Ballard haven’t burned down or vandalized the offensive billboard. While I don’t advocate these extreme measures, I do support this tasty slogan: “Friends don’t let friends drink McDonald’s espresso.”

The Emerald City’s fierce independence is its strongest attribute, the very thing that has sustained our creative spirit. Seeing these fast-food philistines marching in with their asinine marketing slogans should rile our temper.

Do everyone a favor and fight the McMan.